so my life has taken a dramatic turn, and not for the best. i live with my mom in town, cause my dad treats me like shit. i am not happy. i havent been happy in a while. the boy i love, i still love, but know that he doesnt even like me back, it makes me sad but i cant do anything about it. thats the way love goes. i want to cry all the time, and not even friends can help me right now. i cant even seem to help myself, but only because i dont know whats going wrong. i want to die acttually, but i dont have the guts to go through with it. i dont know what would happen if i did.

i want to go to sleep for a month and wake up to everything perfect. just give me something to dull the pain i feel and maybe help it disappear. i cant take it anymore, i dont want to take it anymore, and i dont even know what "IT" is. its all too confusing. people ask me whats wrong and i feel horrible because i cant tell them. i would if i could but i cant. so they assume i am hiding something from them, and they get mad, and tthat just adds to my wonderful life right now. all i want is to understand how everything suddenly went wrong, and where it went wrong. i need help doing this, but how can someone help me... its like::
"Hey can you help me?"
"Sure. With what?"
"Well I dont know"
"then no, I cant help you..."

and it makes it worse, thinking about how i dont think i willl ever solve whatever it is i am having problems with. i think i am going to cry tonight. sit with my kitties and cry untill it hurts to let out anymore tears. then i wont be able to cry anymore, and i will have the strength to face what it is i need to face, when it comes time to beat it down. i am scared, that i will never be able to beat it, i am not strong. i act strong, and look strong maybe, but inside i am anything but... please help me.... I am not all the strength that i need.
xo jessi

I don’t know what it is about him. I thought these feelings would go away, I thought they were just cute crush feelings. So I ignored them, For a long time too. Now I don’t know what to do. Should I still ignore them? Should I talk to him more? I really have no idea. My feelings are clouding my thoughts. I can’t think straight. I love cute boys, and he is so cute. His smile, his voice, his body and the way he walks, his mods, he is so Fucking beautiful. It’s a weird feeling; like one that means “we should be friends now, and more will definitely come”.

But I don’t now how long I should wait. If I don’t give it enough time, I might ruin it. But on the other hand if I wait too long, he might give up on me. And that is a bad feeling. I have had that before, it really hurts you inside, makes you feel dead, when someone gives up on you. I would never give up on him, unless he wanted me too. But I am lost, in a confusing helix of feelings and thoughts. For all I know he could have no feelings fo me, not even ones of friendship....but then why does he always seem so happy to see me, call my name in the hallway, and wave good-bye at the end of everyday??? I just wish it was a hiddent message, about a boy who loves a girl....

Why do 2 bad weekends have to happen in a row. Haven’t I had enough? This weekend was about as traumatizing as the last one. We were out at my moms house, where she lives with her boyfriend, Jonny. My mom was working her last shift of the year at the café and Jonny went to pick her up. She forgot the flower he had given her inside, but said she get it tomorrow. He blew up at her saying that she didn’t appreciate him at all, then kicked her out of the car. (It was her car thought) she ended up walking home, which was a good 15 miles. I didn’t know this and thought she had stayed at a friends house.

All Jonny did was rant and rave about my mother being a whore and that he was kicking her out. I figured he had started drinking earlier. He came in my room, where myself and Jake and Ben were sleeping (my nephews), about every 20 minutes yelling about it. Finally when she got home he was accusing her of getting a ride with someone and that she was a slut. My mom told me to stay up stairs cause she was going to sleep in the car. He ran up the stairs and chased her down until they were both outside. I just kept hearing yelling and i was really affraid for my mom.

I stood by the phone contemplating wether or not to call for help. It being 4 in the morning. But as soon as I heard her scream “get your fu*king hands off me” i called and told them everything. I heard the door fly open and my mom ran in the house screaming for me to call 911. Jonny was pissed and ripped the phone off the wall and cut the line. I don’t think i have ever been that scared in my life. I had ben in my arms and I ran upstairs. He yelled at me for calling the cops saying that he would be charged. All I did was sit there, crying, with Ben in my arms and I kept telling Jake to keep his ears plugged, because of all the swearing. The police finally arrived and ended up giving us a ride into town to my dads house, we would have drove but Jonny took the keys and pulled some wires out of my moms car. All my mom kept saying was “im so sorry you had to see that.” but I mean what would have happened if I had not have been there???

well this weekend was hell. i barely slept a wink... why? you ask. well when i got to my moms house friday, she told me that ares (the mommy cat) had been hit by a car. she then took off into the woods and couldnt be found. now i dont think there are any words to describe the feeling i had then. i broke down and started crying. the only thing bringing me back was thinking about her 5 babies that she left behind. i got kitten milk and fed them every 3 hours, through the night and into the next day.

All of a sudden ares shows up at the house. she looked pretty bad and so... TO THE VET!!. they said there was nothing they could do for her, but watch her, but that she woulndt make it through the night. i had already gone through the thoughts of losing her. but i thought that maybe i could take care of her. i stayed up all night again checking her every couple of minutes and cleaning her up, making her comfortable. and she looked SO GOOD in the morning. she was up and around and eating and everything. i took her in town so i could watch her more closely and so we would be close to the vet, if needed. but just sometimes they are dead wrong. everyone is doing fine and al 5 babies are great and have finally been named... ZAO (my favorite little girl), ODIN, O'RION, ISIS, and ODEAS. all is well, a great ending to a horrible weekend.

i have had a great summer. i don't feel like i accomplished anything at all, except for finding myself. i have great friends. no enemies that i know of, and that takes a lot off my mind. i like all the animals that call my houses theur home. (yes i said "houses" my parents are split) my cat had kittens and they are beautiful. how can something so small be so gorgeous? she had 6 but one passed away. he wasn't strong enough, but i know he tried. he tried as hard as he could. i know ares (pronounce aries, the mommy) is really sad that she lost him, so am i. death can be so relieving, and so painful at the same time. it makes me think of noah and that makes me feel relly sad again, just a reminder of how wonderful he was and how i hate that he is gone. crying is horrible.

but i do love my life.

I told myself that when something came up that bothered me, I would talk about it and let it out. But how can I talk to anyone about this? This is one situation where people will mostly tell me what they think I want to hear and not what I need to hear. I love my friends. But hanging out with them is like a competition. One that I have decided to give up on. I hate it. I am the one who is nice, funny, and awesome to be around. (Or so people tell me often) but I am the one who everyone just wants to be friends with. Nothing more. All of my friends are pretty. Laura and Jen in peticular. They are both gorgeous, and it makes me sad. Its not like I am ass ugly or need a nose job. Its that not very many guys like girls like me. “Wow, you two are HOT... oh I mean you are all hot” is a common phrase heard... first directed at Laura and Jen. Stupid punk boys and their pretty preppy girl fetishes. Makes me sick. DAMN YOU, PREPPY GIRLS, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
I feel pretty, but I know im not.

Many things confuse me, to the extent where it hurts to think about them. Nowadays Straightedge is trendy...yeah? so what the fuck is wrong with keeiping your body clean? can i ask you that? the more the merrier. right? why would it bother you? did you become straightedge just to be different? well if you did then there is something wrong with you. you do it to keep your body clean. and to show that you have complete control of your body. so you want to "just drop the label"? what does that mean? yeah, i 'll tell you what it means; it means that you are not proud of your choices... that you don't want people to know you are strong. this world is full of labels. gay, straight, guy , girl, ugly, pretty. so you dot want labels? then don't exist, because you cant rid yourself of them all. i am straighedge. and promise to be until the day i die. i am strong, and im not afraid to say so. i choose not to pollute my body with chemical crap. i like to think for myself and be able to think clearly. so if you aren't straightedge, thats fine with me. i'll respect you if you do that same. but if you ARE straightedge, be proud, be stong and don't let if bother you if more people want to make good choices.