Anything Can Go Wrong

2002-10-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

so my life has taken a dramatic turn, and not for the best. i live with my mom in town, cause my dad treats me like shit. i am not happy. i havent been happy in a while. the boy i love, i still love, but know that he doesnt even like me back, it makes me sad but i cant do anything about it. thats the way love goes. i want to cry all the time, and not even friends can help me right now. i cant even seem to help myself, but only because i dont know whats going wrong. i want to die acttually, but i dont have the guts to go through with it. i dont know what would happen if i did.

i want to go to sleep for a month and wake up to everything perfect. just give me something to dull the pain i feel and maybe help it disappear. i cant take it anymore, i dont want to take it anymore, and i dont even know what "IT" is. its all too confusing. people ask me whats wrong and i feel horrible because i cant tell them. i would if i could but i cant. so they assume i am hiding something from them, and they get mad, and tthat just adds to my wonderful life right now. all i want is to understand how everything suddenly went wrong, and where it went wrong. i need help doing this, but how can someone help me... its like::
"Hey can you help me?"
"Sure. With what?"
"Well I dont know"
"then no, I cant help you..."

and it makes it worse, thinking about how i dont think i willl ever solve whatever it is i am having problems with. i think i am going to cry tonight. sit with my kitties and cry untill it hurts to let out anymore tears. then i wont be able to cry anymore, and i will have the strength to face what it is i need to face, when it comes time to beat it down. i am scared, that i will never be able to beat it, i am not strong. i act strong, and look strong maybe, but inside i am anything but... please help me.... I am not all the strength that i need.
xo jessi

2002-09-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what it is about him. I thought these feelings would go away, I thought they were just cute crush feelings. So I ignored them, For a long time too. Now I don’t know what to do. Should I still ignore them? Should I talk to him more? I really have no idea. My feelings are clouding my thoughts. I can’t think straight. I love cute boys, and he is so cute. His smile, his voice, his body and the way he walks, his mods, he is so Fucking beautiful. It’s a weird feeling; like one that means “we should be friends now, and more will definitely come”.

But I don’t now how long I should wait. If I don’t give it enough time, I might ruin it. But on the other hand if I wait too long, he might give up on me. And that is a bad feeling. I have had that before, it really hurts you inside, makes you feel dead, when someone gives up on you. I would never give up on him, unless he wanted me too. But I am lost, in a confusing helix of feelings and thoughts. For all I know he could have no feelings fo me, not even ones of friendship....but then why does he always seem so happy to see me, call my name in the hallway, and wave good-bye at the end of everyday??? I just wish it was a hiddent message, about a boy who loves a girl....

2002-09-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

Why do 2 bad weekends have to happen in a row. Haven’t I had enough? This weekend was about as traumatizing as the last one. We were out at my moms house, where she lives with her boyfriend, Jonny. My mom was working her last shift of the year at the café and Jonny went to pick her up. She forgot the flower he had given her inside, but said she get it tomorrow. He blew up at her saying that she didn’t appreciate him at all, then kicked her out of the car. (It was her car thought) she ended up walking home, which was a good 15 miles. I didn’t know this and thought she had stayed at a friends house.

All Jonny did was rant and rave about my mother being a whore and that he was kicking her out. I figured he had started drinking earlier. He came in my room, where myself and Jake and Ben were sleeping (my nephews), about every 20 minutes yelling about it. Finally when she got home he was accusing her of getting a ride with someone and that she was a slut. My mom told me to stay up stairs cause she was going to sleep in the car. He ran up the stairs and chased her down until they were both outside. I just kept hearing yelling and i was really affraid for my mom.

I stood by the phone contemplating wether or not to call for help. It being 4 in the morning. But as soon as I heard her scream “get your fu*king hands off me” i called and told them everything. I heard the door fly open and my mom ran in the house screaming for me to call 911. Jonny was pissed and ripped the phone off the wall and cut the line. I don’t think i have ever been that scared in my life. I had ben in my arms and I ran upstairs. He yelled at me for calling the cops saying that he would be charged. All I did was sit there, crying, with Ben in my arms and I kept telling Jake to keep his ears plugged, because of all the swearing. The police finally arrived and ended up giving us a ride into town to my dads house, we would have drove but Jonny took the keys and pulled some wires out of my moms car. All my mom kept saying was “im so sorry you had to see that.” but I mean what would have happened if I had not have been there???

2002-09-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

well this weekend was hell. i barely slept a wink... why? you ask. well when i got to my moms house friday, she told me that ares (the mommy cat) had been hit by a car. she then took off into the woods and couldnt be found. now i dont think there are any words to describe the feeling i had then. i broke down and started crying. the only thing bringing me back was thinking about her 5 babies that she left behind. i got kitten milk and fed them every 3 hours, through the night and into the next day.

All of a sudden ares shows up at the house. she looked pretty bad and so... TO THE VET!!. they said there was nothing they could do for her, but watch her, but that she woulndt make it through the night. i had already gone through the thoughts of losing her. but i thought that maybe i could take care of her. i stayed up all night again checking her every couple of minutes and cleaning her up, making her comfortable. and she looked SO GOOD in the morning. she was up and around and eating and everything. i took her in town so i could watch her more closely and so we would be close to the vet, if needed. but just sometimes they are dead wrong. everyone is doing fine and al 5 babies are great and have finally been named... ZAO (my favorite little girl), ODIN, O'RION, ISIS, and ODEAS. all is well, a great ending to a horrible weekend.

2002-08-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

i have had a great summer. i don't feel like i accomplished anything at all, except for finding myself. i have great friends. no enemies that i know of, and that takes a lot off my mind. i like all the animals that call my houses theur home. (yes i said "houses" my parents are split) my cat had kittens and they are beautiful. how can something so small be so gorgeous? she had 6 but one passed away. he wasn't strong enough, but i know he tried. he tried as hard as he could. i know ares (pronounce aries, the mommy) is really sad that she lost him, so am i. death can be so relieving, and so painful at the same time. it makes me think of noah and that makes me feel relly sad again, just a reminder of how wonderful he was and how i hate that he is gone. crying is horrible.

but i do love my life.

2002-08-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

I told myself that when something came up that bothered me, I would talk about it and let it out. But how can I talk to anyone about this? This is one situation where people will mostly tell me what they think I want to hear and not what I need to hear. I love my friends. But hanging out with them is like a competition. One that I have decided to give up on. I hate it. I am the one who is nice, funny, and awesome to be around. (Or so people tell me often) but I am the one who everyone just wants to be friends with. Nothing more. All of my friends are pretty. Laura and Jen in peticular. They are both gorgeous, and it makes me sad. Its not like I am ass ugly or need a nose job. Its that not very many guys like girls like me. “Wow, you two are HOT... oh I mean you are all hot” is a common phrase heard... first directed at Laura and Jen. Stupid punk boys and their pretty preppy girl fetishes. Makes me sick. DAMN YOU, PREPPY GIRLS, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
I feel pretty, but I know im not.

2002-07-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

Many things confuse me, to the extent where it hurts to think about them. Nowadays Straightedge is trendy...yeah? so what the fuck is wrong with keeiping your body clean? can i ask you that? the more the merrier. right? why would it bother you? did you become straightedge just to be different? well if you did then there is something wrong with you. you do it to keep your body clean. and to show that you have complete control of your body. so you want to "just drop the label"? what does that mean? yeah, i 'll tell you what it means; it means that you are not proud of your choices... that you don't want people to know you are strong. this world is full of labels. gay, straight, guy , girl, ugly, pretty. so you dot want labels? then don't exist, because you cant rid yourself of them all. i am straighedge. and promise to be until the day i die. i am strong, and im not afraid to say so. i choose not to pollute my body with chemical crap. i like to think for myself and be able to think clearly. so if you aren't straightedge, thats fine with me. i'll respect you if you do that same. but if you ARE straightedge, be proud, be stong and don't let if bother you if more people want to make good choices.

2002-07-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

He tells me dark secrets and grim tales of regret. He tells me; Love is not lost, it dies like all things do, burried in the backyard where a lone dove cries. Alone-no one to share his days with. He chokes on the stale dry air of memories. He chokes on the words he says to no one at night. And whispers his questions to the wall, and drifts to sleep. No one to share his dreams. And oh how it hurrts to see the tears fall from his eyes.

2002-07-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Somebody who might understand my life, someday. I just need to know a few things, about pretty much everything. Things that I can’t talk about with friends, or won’t talk about, for that matter. Either no one will listen or I have no idea how to put it into the right words. So many things I want to understand but don’t have the mental capacity to figure out on my own. I want to know why people get hurt, in every way. Why people feel the need to hurt others, mentally, physically and in as many other way you can think of. I get hurt all the time and never complain. I need to complain sometimes, I know, but I can’t build up enough courage to confront and defend myself.

I am weak. Why do they hurt me, when they know in their hearts and minds that I would search the world over for the one thing that would make them smile? I would kill for them and take the punishment. They know what i would go through just to see Their face and make them laugh. I live for them. So why? I have yet to hear an answer as to why I can’t realize that when they hurt me over and over again, I should leave and let them go. But then I know that then will give them premise to just go and do it to so many others. So am I protecting those “others”, or just hurting myself ?? Please answer me that. I am tempted to give them pain as I have felt. Because obviously they haven’t been seriously hurt by someone.

Why do people say they believe in something and talk about it and are proud of it, but secretly they are doing the opposite?? Like being Straightedge and sneaking out and getting high or drunk? I don’t give a fucking rats ass wether they like to drink or smoke/eat/inject or drink drugs, it really doesn’t bother me at all, but why would you continue to talk about being strong willed and keeping clean. It’s people like that, that I have Absolutely NO RESPECT for. Am I wrong for saying that? Am I wrong for thinking that? I sure hope not, because if I don’t’ have my own thoughts, then I don’t have much.

Why do people lie? Why are they so worried about what others will think of them? Whatever happened to self confidence and pride? I have lots of that. Why can’t everyone just be happy? Why doesn’t everyone get along and have respect for everyone else? And why doesn’t everyone understand that hate can’t solve the problem it began? Are people mostly blinded by hate, ignorance or just plain stupidity? I wish it was stupidity, that way they could be educated and could develop into respectable people who this thing we call “society” could accept.

Why am I not as accepted as those whose parents are still together in a happy marriage? Or those that wear a different outfit every day of the month? Or those who have a perfect face or a perfect body? But can you tell me what perfect is? Is it being intelligent? Being beautiful by your own standards? Having faith and believing in yourself? Having loving parents and being happy? If those were they characteristics of being perfect, then I have to be one of the most perfect people in the world, along with all those who have ever believed in me, or needed believeing in them, that I gave.

I just wish that all these questions that will go forever unanswered would be asked more often. People don’t pay attention to the important things in life; family, friends, pets, life, being happy with yourself, everyone frets about all the petty stuff that will eventually become useless in a matter of minutes?? Please if and when you ever figure out even one of these important questions tell me, and ill give you all that ever mattered to me. Because you would have given me my life back.

2002-06-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

i miss jon so much. all i want to do is cry. i wish he would just come by to see me, even though my dad is really mad, he knows when he isnt home, and he could at least come and see me, even for a few minutes, i mean he knows i love him and i could never hate him. only the things he does. im so worried about how his life will end up. i love him too much to be able to forget about him. i mean, he IS my brother.

so many confusing things are going on. my feelings are upside down and i can't make them out right now. i hate losing friends. even if they ...ahh i cant finish that sentence because it doesnt even make sense to any of you. i hurt so much inside and i cant get rid of that feeling in my stomach. its a feeling that i want so much to just come right out. its a good feeling and it would make so much better in my life right now if i could just express it. i dont express my feelings at all and we conclueded why none of us do any more. its so to not hurt any one.

Please help me figure out everything because i certanly can't do it on my own.
Love Jessi
im still sorry, but not as sorry as i used to be.
people change, people grow apart, i dont want to lose you, but sacrifice is my only though, that is, other than you.

2002-06-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

look all i can say is im sorry. Sorry for so many things.
Im sorry i cared. Im sorry i love you. Im sorry i always want to be here for you. Im sorry for wanting you to be there for me. Im sorry i messed up things. Im sorry i made things complicated. Im sorry i have feelings that I cannot control. Im sorry i can't make everything go away and be like it was before. Im sorry i didnt call you. Im sorry you want to push me away. And Im sorry for being so sorry.

What more can i say, other than Im sorry and I love you more than anything. You're my best friend, even though i dont even know what you consider me. IM going to miss so many things with you, if i lose you. i want you to trust me, have what we had before, it was almost perfect. Or at least in my eyes. I see you for what you are, and not what you perseive yourself to be. and those are the two most different things in the entire world. doesnt change how i feel tho. or how i see you.

I don't care if you end up hating me, and blaming yourself for whatever reasons. im still going to say hi when i pass you, and maybe, just maybe, you'll hear me wisper....
I miss you
~Jesus

2002-06-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

I stayed the night out at jacob's house last night. his mom went out and i just hung out there for the night. i keep realising how amazing that kid is. i don't even know why, but i have so much fun when i' m out there. they live like a mile from the road and its soo nice. who would have thought i could enjoy myself so much just hanging out with a 5 yr old. hes got the biggest imagination in the world too and we were playing games with our imaginary friends, his was joe and mine was carlos.

i just feel like, when im haning out with him, i dont need to think about anything else. i can just walk around outside in my pyjamas and no shoes, i can make a tent out of a few chairs and a blanket. no judging ever goes on in that house. we squirted water at each other and got really messy. then we did the dishes and watch 8 hours of ren and stimpy...8 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was soo cool

i wish he'd stay like this forever. god i love himm...

Later
~Jesus

2002-06-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

Close Your Eyes To See Only Stars
As I Close Mine Too, I'll Find You.
Somewhere Out There I Know
You Are Safe.
No Tears, No Prayers Can Change
The Way I'll Miss You Ti'll Then..

I love you...

~Jesus

2002-06-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

hey Babe,
remember...CHICKS before DICKS.....you said it yourself
XOXOXOXO
Jesus

2002-05-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

in one night you made me your own the deepest embrace's creation i layed there for days and you forgot in one night you made me your own in one hour you gave me away to the angels you sent me up to the sky now their wings fan the heat from the face you'll never see the hair you'll never smell the little hands you'll never hold now i am but a silhouette down there a silhouette of a memory of a solitary night nothing more.

2002-05-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

""Everything"" is such a general term for things, so i don't have enough time to list all the things going on in my head right now so i will refer to them as ""everything""

My mom, i feel so bad cause she had to stop going to school and everything is messed up for her. My dad is still not the same. he knows that i know about my half sister in ontario, and i think he thinks i hate him for it. i dont talk to my dad tho so i am not sure how to clear that one up.

I miss Noah so much right now, (my little dog who died in september) i cried forever last night remembering all the things he used to do to make me laugh, then i started to laugh. i miss him soo much, i feel like crying now. i just want to go to the humane society and adopt all the animals there, that for some reason, no one wanted.

I miss my brother, jon, so much too, i never see him ever, and i used to be so close with him, i just dont want him to get lost and mess up his life. i dont know what i would do wwithout him. i wish he was here so we could talk, i want someone to talk with, who has been there from the beginning..ahhh i have no childhood friends to go on with, but i will have friends to talk about NOW with.. hopefully my head will clear soon enough and i can get my life on track soon.

at least, Traci, I know you'll catch me...

2002-05-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

Shit, I don't know whats wrong with me today. it was a great day, but i don't feel great. its weird, cause all this hustle and bustle has finally caught up with me, and i don't know what im doing here. I have had Get Up Kids playing for hours and i feel like crying. No reason at all really.

I had a long conversation with my cat , it ended a few minutes ago. she likes to listen. (shut up anyone who thinks thats weird...at least my cat likes me) This is another one of those entries that I go on about how i Don't know whats going on, and a bunch of shit.But it's the truth, i really dont. things are so wonderful and so fucked at the same time.

I think it's about time i take a step back and look over all of what i have right now, kind of evaluate it, not for how nice and pretty it is, but for how good it is for me. Most of the time i feel like im waiting for something, i dont't know what yet, but hopefully it will come soon... i dont know how to put these feelings into words, but this was my best attempt at it. hope you understand,.... cause if you do...mind explaining it to me?

The only problem is, Shade, (my cat) can't tell me if she knows what im talking about. or how i can make it all better...

hhahahahahah i love you shade...

2002-05-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

Anything you need, I'll give you. wether it be space or a smile. I will never stop loving you. I dont think i have ever met someone else like you, except that is, when i look in the miror. we are so much alike, and so different at the same time. All i can say, and believe is that we'll get through this together, and come out victorious in the end. hand in hand and smiling.

And another thing I have been thinking about is, that you bring out the best in me. I don't think I have been this happy to have a friend like you in a long time. Just don't leave me...

2002-05-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

Sitting by myself, noticing all the scratches on the walls, falling into little thoughts and daydreams wonder if your thinking about me. And I don’t think its fair, that i should be haunted when you so easily wipe the slate clean, ill often try to forget but i haven’t been able to yet, I’ll close my eyes and hear all the things you say....we’ve always got tonight....

For a time that seemed alright, pretending everything was fine, but really we knew it was just losing ourselves, we felt the wrong but wanted it right were trying to hold on to emptiness inside,...we’ve always got tonight...trust me everything will be alright, trust me its not that far away..

Cross the state line drifted further every time its starting to beat us we knew it was, maybe we should just let go this time, maybe we should just let go this time.

2002-05-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, Hey, ~posi~ no need to appologize for anything. i see what you're going thru and i'm there for you. Everything will fix in the end, no matter how long or how hard it is.
love you babe

2002-05-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

Man, i relly need to get going on my zine...

It doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense anyway. At first, the hard part was the fact that no one understood me. Now, all I seem to be able to think about is how no one even really tried. Life is one big mystery and I have always hoped that I wouldn’t be the only person to ever want to search for answers. But the only encouraging voice I hear is my own echo.

As a very wise person once told me: “Growing Up Never Promised Not To Hurt”
Your thoughts can become like silent weapons, But who do they always end up hurting?
Looking into the mirror: “how can you look so perfect, yet I am so flawed” Trying so hard to make it fit, I push and hit the pieces, hoping, wishing they’d take on a new shape and just create what I have always wanted; You. I’ll live in happiness knowing that your smile can light up someone’s day; I’ll live in jealousy knowing that “someone” isn’t me.

I’m being kept in the dark, I stumble and fall, bringing us both further down. Your footprints lead me nowhere and yet, still I follow. Then I see something, further down the path; One bride looms high above the others. Curious, I crossed it and it crumbled behind me. Suddenly, forgetting what I had endured, I pushed onward.

the rest of all of this is made out to you, ...you have made my life better...you know who you are.....heheh ya...traci

A smile can heal my broken heart, but at the same time, stop its beat.
You are a wall for me to fall back on, and a cheer to keep me going

You can always tell what’s wrong by looking in my eyes
I think you might know me better than I know myself
You not only pull me up when I fall down, you ask me if I’m alright.
You’re always around when I need you most, Even though I might not show it
The words “ I Love You “ are far more powerful than the dictionary makes them out to be.

I Love You...<3<3<3<3*muah*

2002-05-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

man, there is one thing that no one is able to live without...a best friend...and i am fucking blessed with some of the most amazing friends...best friends at that..

A BEST FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO: can always tell you that you look beautiful, even if that one guy doesn't think so. They can never cease to amaze you with their knowledge of you, how well they know how you think. Even though a hug is just a hug, when it is from a good friend, it warms you up inside after someone has left you alone inside. They call for nothing, and you end up talking untill your dad kicks you off the phone at midnight. It doesnt matter what you believe in, as long as you have a good heart. but when you have the same beliefs, it just brings you closer.

the people in my life are amazing...i smile everytime i think of any of them, even the ones who dont realise how much they mean to me...

Traci, Dave, Laura, M.E, Jen, Zak, Jakob, Kyle, Bubba, Kyle. L, Jesse, Errol, Andrew, Willie, Kate, Mike, Trevor, ...many, many more....

Even those who i have not known for very long have an impact on my life. just being there and talking can bring me up out of somewhere dark. friends...what would i do without them??? i dont know, and i don't think i could think about that...a world without friends is...well...not a world at all..

::::::::To Sum it up, Posi, I Love You So Much!!!::::::::::

2002-05-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

well the weekend wwas so fun, god i love jakob...stupid girlfriend..hahahah ahh well, it seems like the good guys are always taken...but i guess i can't do anything about that now can i? no sir... well i have been going to most of my classes recently, and i still dont think i am going to graduate next year, but i guess theres nothing wrong with taking an extra year. at least to me ther isnt, now according to the teachers and principles of this shit hole i call a school, it IS a big deal. but whos to say how long it should take to lean something. thats like setting a boundaries, and judging ppl on how fast they learn. or EVEN WORSE, if they get sick (like in my case) and have to miss a shitload of school and end up not getting credits.

fuck i hate people, they are so damn judgemental. this one asshole, i will not spare his name...matt gorvette....COMPLETE FUCKHEAD...has to judge me on the clothes i wear...well at least i can change my style...he cant change the size of his NOSE......geese, join a circus....elephant-man... there, see he wants to be mean..i can too. today we had to write in a journal about if we had one wish for colonel gray school, what would it be...and thats what i wished for...for assholes like that to get the hell out or be a little more accepting...i just want to be myself...its who i am...i mean c'mon...dont be a prick..later gator

2002-05-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

wow, i am so excited about this weekend. traci, dave...daves mom, nd either hedder or jacob... not sure yet. i cant wait for the march, and the teach-ins and presentations.

i like looking forward to things, it gets me going and full of enthousiasm, otherwise i wouldnt push for anything, i would just sit here, hoping, i guess, that something exciting in my life would happen. i guess the only good part about that would be that if and when anything did happen, it would bring me up for a short time, but then i think i would just fall harder, and faster than i did before. and it would just hurt.

so i dont do that, i plan and get ready for what is comming. even if i am let down, i know that i had a dream, and those who dont have dreams, don't have much

2002-05-06T17:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, as i was saying that things are starting to look up for me.... ya friends are going great. i love them all, and dont know what i would do without them, id be lost as hell.

:::in your eyes i see the darkeness that torments you and in your head where it dwells, i'd give you my hand if you'll reach out and grab it, lets walk away from this hell:::

**Traci: i love you man, there for me, im there for you, thats all i need
**Laura: Times are tough, just smile baby, im smiling back
**M.E: dont worry, everything will be fine when you get back
**Jen: im glad we got thrru this, i missed you so much
**Zak: i dont think i have ever had such a good guy friend, i love you so much
**Dave: ahh dave, never forget smelly is GOOD...never realising how much you ment to me
**Chris: you should start your own advice show...you give it out like nothing, and i appreciate that
**those are the people who have done the most for me in this past month and a half, than anyone could have in the past 10 years, love you guys so much

2002-05-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

Well just when things had started looking up for me...so i thought i was dying and that my kidneys were going to shut down completely. and then i ws playfighting with this guy named trevor...odd fellow he is, but i love him... and i went to go kick him in the shin and i hit his knee. oh well i don't think i have ever heard a crack like that before...so i ended up BREAKING my toe. and it hurts pretty bad and i mean what can you do about a broken toe? nothing at all the doctor told me. well and it turns out my kidneys arent shutting down YET. they put me on these stupid pills for it, and then he punched me in the back (yes, the doctor did) asking me if it hurt...OF COURSE IT HURT, ass... well we were in the office for 2 f*cking hours..pissed me off a lot.

im getting kicked off the net for a sec, more in a minute

::J.e.s.s.i::

2002-04-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hey I dont' know when i am going to get over this..i mean he IS just a guy right? WRONG!!! he is an amazing guy, and it still hurts a lot. these past few days people have been telling me, "oh this person thinks your hot, oh, that guys a good kid, you two would be good together," and my favorite "maybe HE is the "one"" but i mean i dont know what to say to them, i just dont know what it means when you cant stop thinking about him, really i dont. it no longer makes me mad, just really sad that i am not with him. thats my biggest wish right now, for us to have what i wish we would have. no one probably makes sense of this, as much as i do, but it doesnt matter.

i talked to one of my best friends from when i was younger, like from grade one to six, and we talked for so long, her mother died at christmas and she seems to be doing well. we talked about things i wish i could talk about with my friends, stuff we did when we were little. i miss that alot. oh well....why cant it be the way it was when pain was only plastic guns??? i dont know...::::::

2002-04-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

ahh i love my friends, M.E. always writes me songs...

Jessica (hehe thats me!!)

Open Your Heart
Open your eyes
Let the freedom flow
Take it all away

Imagine the truth
in all it's peace
Make it all come true
Never forget your face

Don't run away
Don't let them win
They care about your wants
Hoping you'll look with open eyes
Into the passing wind

Cant just change your hair
Pierce your flesh, Love someone new
Having to grow completely
Have to love you

I don't care how far away you are
How much the phone bill grows
How long you need to cry to me
I don't not care
About the pain you know

2002-04-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

GO VEGANISM!!!! well last night i started my journey into being a vegan, i know it wont be hard cause i can do whatever i set my mind to, just wish that was maybe school. but meh... ya i went shopping with my dad and he was all pissed that everything costs like twice as much. oh well. im kinda pissed thatsome of my friends dont think i can do it, it would be nice if they shared my views, but thats ok, they dont share my views on being sXe either. at least they are there for me...later...

2002-04-23T18:33:00.000-07:00

i am so worried right now, for my mom, she had a stroke this week and it messed her up really bad, she hasnt been doing well for a while and i hope she gets better, i swear this is the only journal i have written in more than once, i usually start them then stick them somewhere, only to find it months later. well i still dont get along with my dad all that well, since we got in that major fight...my teachers hate me and i think i have to drop math. i had a hard week with friends. so i dont know if anything else could possibly go wrong this week..."knock on wood"...later::::::::*

2002-04-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

i dont know what to do...(actually, when DO i ever know what to do) well i think the most painful thing ever is having to watch your best friend with thee guy you love, so i dont think i am going to be able to handle it. i will on the outside though, cause everything looks better in a nice wrapping, especially me. i guess i will just, as chris puts it "stay mellow until either i find something to do, or i get over it....give me a shout when you think you know when that will be...later::::

2002-04-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

fuck, why cant people just tell me whats wrong so i dont make things worse, or if i can help, ...the day looked so bright, and the pictures in the photo album that you gave me, is all i have...to live for...im falling down , im falling down, and your not there to break my fall, i shut my eyes when your around, i hold my breath to kill the sound.....that pretty much sums it all up, in one fucking happy little package...i hate my life....out::::

2002-04-22T05:40:00.000-07:00

ahhhh i feel like shit today, and ya, im not in school again. i think i really should start going, from here on. but i don't know if that is going to happen, i still have no idea whats going on with some of my friends, and some others i have cleard stuff up with. so ya, im quite confused as to what i am going to be doing about all this stuff that has gone on in my life this past month and some, but i'll just have to play it day by day, and see where it leads me...

2002-04-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

now i cant seem to figure anything out, people, in general are extremely fucked and i can't deal with anything right now. i would like to quite school, but that would mess up my future...now when people say "if you love some one let them go" i think that is the biggest load of bullshit i have ever heard. when a person comes into your life and you have never felt like this about anyone before, how the hell can you let them go, i would kick myself in the pants if i ever pulled something like that. and i think i am about to do that...i think it will bruis...lets hope not

2002-04-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

Not that i like complaining, but one more incident has gone on in my life, gone wrong is what i should say. i just fucking lost one of my best guy friends because i found out he lied to me. how messed up is that? HE lied to Me, not the other way around, so I should be the one who is pissed...guys are fucked... this week has been the shittiest possible one. i mean c'mon, you don't get mad at people who find out that you lied to them, thats just not cool. i can't say i am not going to miss him though...He was a good kid